


Remember

by theawesomepfanfic



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: (All have different jobs and such), (They never worked for AH), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Memory Loss, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-21
Packaged: 2018-02-23 13:55:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2550017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theawesomepfanfic/pseuds/theawesomepfanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Geoff Ramsey loses his memory in an explosion while he is in combat. He returns home to find the place he called home in chaos. The worst thing is, his heart remembers the five people he was once so madly in love with, but his brain does not. The tension between his lovers is something that he wants to fix; but what can he do if he just can't remember?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Found

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm bad. I started writing this as a drabble, and it turned into something much more. Took up my time for writing TUDOKD. I feel like this one just has more in it for me right now. I promise to finish TUDOKD, but this one is coming first right now. Sorry, but, enjoy!
> 
> ((The layout of this got all wonky. Some things may not turn out right, and if you want the best view I'd go to my Tumblr (Swanwithhands) and read it. The second chapter is out on there too, it will be here next week so I'm ahead of myself. :) ))

Geoff Ramsey had been missing for approximately three days, eighteen hours, and forty eight minutes after an explosion separated him from his team. It had been sudden and had completely destroyed their vehicle, killing two of the four passengers. The driver had made it out alive, but was promptly captured by the other soldiers and taken in as a prisoner of war. They feared the same had happened to Geoff, who had volunteered to go along on this mission in place of someone else. There was no indication from the enemy that they had two prisoners; they’d only said they had one, and a soldier in a vehicle further back swore he only saw one body being pulled from the wreckage.

They searched for the missing man as much as they could. There had only been two bodies in the car when they had finally reached it, and they had no idea what had become of him. A small trail of blood lead into the desert around them, but it disappeared so far out and left them with nothing. As the fourth day dawned, they feared the worst and began to prepare to tell his family.

Until they saw the sun of the forth day, and standing outside of the camp was the man they’d been searching for. He was covered in blood and burns, and without a shirt, for it had been wrapped around his head. He limped into the camp, gave a small smile, and then fell face down into the dirt.

They rushed to get him the help he needed, and he was taken out of the camp in a helicopter an hour later. He’d been hurt pretty bad, and the doctors were baffled to see him alive with the injuries he had. As they prepared him for surgery they had to pry his hand open, for clenched in his hand was a small picture of five smiling men. A nurse held it in his hand for a moment before telling the doctor Geoff’s hand was fine and placing the key chain picture back in the man’s hand.

Geoff had a large fracture in his skull and terrible bleeding inside his brain. His left leg had severe damage and almost had to be amputated, but whatever he had done to keep himself awake and alive those four days had surely helped him out. He fell into a coma two days after he’d been placed in a hospital, and stayed within his sleeping state for five days. The doctors expected the best when he woke up, but were met with something not so great.

"Mr. Ramsey, how are you feeling?" A nurse with a sweet smile asked him as he woke up. He looked her with hazy eyes, smiling back and touching his head tenderly.

"I guess I’m alright, my head hurts… What happened?" He’d asked, and the nurse’s eyes widened a bit. She called the doctor in, and after too many questions, so many that Geoff’s head started to spin, they came to the conclusion that Geoff had lost most of his long term memory. No good would come of him being stuck in the hospital, so they called home. Two days later, Geoff was told someone was there to take him back home.

He allowed a nurse to help him into the wheelchair that waited for him, since his leg was still in bad condition. He had his bag on his lap, along with the picture that was given to him when he’d woken up. He glanced down at it, his fingers brushing the burned glass. He could see three of the five faces there, the others burned so bad they weren't even faces anymore.

You wouldn't let it go. I had to pull your fingers from it. Whoever they are, they kept you going.

He remembered the nurse pointing at the picture as he changed Geoff’s bandages. Whoever they were, they kept him going. If only he could remember who they were.

"Geoff!" He looked up from the photo when he heard an unfamiliar voice call his name. A younger man with a big smile came running towards him, throwing his arms around his neck and hugging him tightly.  
"Geoff, you asshole, you scared the shit out of us!"

Geoff didn't remember the boy at all, but he knew the face from his picture. He was the one between the smaller guy with a big nose and the awkward looking skinny kid. He had the same tattoo on his arm and everything, and though Geoff couldn't remember his name, he trusted the boy.

He didn't react quick enough though, and before he could wrap his arms back around the younger man, he pulled away. The bright look in his eyes had faded away to something dull, and it made Geoff feel oddly empty.

"You don’t remember me, do you?" The guy seemed so upset, but he attempted to keep a sort of smile on his face. "I’m Michael. Your Michael.”

The way that Michael’s voice shook at the end of the sentence made something inside Geoff break; but his memory gave him nothing of the man standing before him. There was just a blank space where he knew Michael should be.

"I’m sorry." Was all Geoff could say. Michael nodded solemnly and walked behind him, taking Geoff’s wheelchair and wheeling him away and out of the hospital. They were silent for a long time, until they were both in the car and driving home. It felt odd to think that. Home. Was it really home if you didn't even remember that it existed?

They pulled into a small gas station so that Michael could get a drink and gas, and when the younger man got back Geoff handed him the key chain. Michael reached over and took it into his hand, gasping a bit as he saw what it was.

"We made this for you before you left… I can’t believe that you still have it." Michael brushed his fingers over the charred surface and smiled a little bit. "Gavin’s stupid face…"

"Which one is he?" Geoff asked, leaning over and looking at the picture. Michael pointed at the guy with the large nose, then moved his finger to the awkward skinny guy and deemed him Ray. Each time he said a name, he glanced sideways at Geoff to see his reaction.

"The one on the right is Jack, see his beard? And that is Ryan, you can tell by his shoulder to waist ratio. Totally nuts, right?" Michael kept talking but Geoff wasn't listening- he was only looking at the man called Ryan.

He could remember Ryan. It was a sudden rush of something so great that he took the key chain back from Michael and looked at the missing face. He could see it in his mind though, Ryan’s handsome smile and the way he raised only one eyebrow, the low laughs he gave at stupid things, his soft lips and his warm hand. Geoff could remember him.

"What? What’s that look??" Michael sounded worried, and he went to touch Geoff’s leg but then pulled back. Geoff looked at him with a big smile, pointing at Ryan in the picture.

"I know him! I love him, it’s Ryan, oh my!” The childish happiness in Geoff’s voice almost made Michael feel a little better. He smiled back at Geoff and squeezed the steering wheel.

“That’s great… I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear that.” It was hard to keep the bitter tone out of his voice.  
—  
They arrived home when the sun was starting to set. Michael pulled in and parked the car, sighing and watching as his headlights turned off and the porch light came on. The front door opened up and Ryan stepped outside, then came running to the passenger door.

Geoff was a step ahead of him, opening his door and waiting for Ryan to come to him. They met and clung to each other in a strong hug, and Geoff felt safe and calm for the first time since he woke up in that hospital. He pulled back a bit to press his lips on Ryan’s, and smiled as he felt Geoff kiss him right back. Geoff pulled back and gently laid his head on Ryan’s shoulder, feeling so perfect in that moment that he never wanted to let it go.

"You’re okay, I've got you…" Ryan said calmly, gently stroking Geoff’s hair as he felt tears start to stain his shirt. Geoff felt a lot better just hearing that, just feeling Ryan’s hand in his hair; it just felt so right and so natural.

It was one of those things that you never wanted to end. They stayed together like that for a few moments until the driver door slammed shut and Michael walked away from them and towards the front door. Ryan pulled back from Geoff, watching the angry lad enter the house and sighing.

"Why is he so touchy?" Geoff asked as Ryan turned back to him and helped him out of the car and into the waiting wheelchair. Ryan couldn't help but let out a small laugh and that, squeezing Geoff’s shoulder.

"He loves you and he’s upset you don’t remember him. I’d be pretty sad if you forgot me too." Ryan replied, reaching into the back of the car to get Geoff’s bag. He couldn't tell if he was ecstatic that Geoff remembered him, or sad that Geoff had forgotten the rest of the guys. It was painful, but at the same time he felt so happy that he was the one remembered.

"He loves me?" Geoff asked, his voice flabbergasted. Ryan bit his lip, cursing himself for blurting that one out. Better now then never, though.

He leaned down in front of Geoff, swallowing and taking his hand. “Yes, he loves you. Do you still have that key chain, the one with me and Michael and those three other guys?”

"Garret, Ray and Jack?" Geoff attempted to remember the names that Michael had told him. Ryan smiled a bit and laughed yet again, but Geoff felt it wasn't so sincere.

"Gavin. But yes, see…" Ryan seemed to be having a hard time getting the words he wanted. "All of us, you and the five of us.. we’re.. uh.. your boyfriends."  
Geoff squinted his eyes a bit, tilting his head as that information processed through his head. He felt the picture burning in his pocket, and he looked up at Ryan.

"So, I’m like a Mormon." He said slowly, and Ryan’s face grew very red as he began to regret the way he worded that.

"Mormons don’t work that way. At least I don’t think they do. That’s not the point; it’s not like that. We’re all together. All six of us, we love each other." Ryan tried to explain it, feeling more and more embarrassed as he did.

"So… like a sixsome?" Geoff asked, and Ryan covered his face as he stood up and went back behind Geoff.

"The-" Ryan stopped himself, deciding that now wasn't the time to lecture Geoff on the proper terms of the relationship he didn’t even remember, "Sure, a sixsome." Ryan started to wheel Geoff inside, taking him up the little wooden ramp that they’d set up when they heard about what had happened to Geoff.

"This is all too much for me to process." Geoff sighed, rubbing his head and leaning back into his chair. Ryan nodded in agreement, taking Geoff to the bedroom they’d set up in their old computer room so that Geoff wouldn't have to worry about going upstairs.

"You just get some rest, okay? You can see everybody tomorrow, so it’s not too much for you." Ryan helped Geoff out of his shirt and changed him into more comfortable clothes, double and triple checking everything to make sure that Geoff was in good condition before kissing him goodnight and lingering for just a few moments. It almost felt unreal to have Geoff back with him, safe and asleep already.

He gently ran his hands through Geoff’s hair, being careful of the bandages on his head. He felt oddly sad, and left the room before the feeling could overtake him.

He had barely got the door closed before he heard footsteps and felt a force on his jaw that sent him tripping over his feet and crashing into the table beside him.

“Michael!" Jack yelled, grabbing the lad’s wrist and holding him back from inflicting any more damage on Ryan. "Stop that right now. This isn’t his fault. It’s no one’s fault."

Ryan caught his breath, touching his face and swallowing when he saw the blood on his hand. He looked over at Michael and Jack, straightening up and swallowing back blood.

Jack was holding Michael tightly, one hand around his waist and the other still holding his fist. Michael looked livid, glaring at Ryan with tears in his eyes.

"You’re happy he forgot us, you asshole. You’re so glad he only remembers you, now you can run away with him and never have to deal with us again!” Michael yelled, and Jack moved his hand from Michael’s and clamped it around the lad’s mouth.

"Don’t you dare say that.” Ryan snapped, taking a step towards Michael and clenching his fist, “I love you all, but excuse me for being happy that our boyfriend who was previously missing and presumed dead remembers I exist! Of course I feel terrible that he’s forgotten you all, but it doesn't mean I can’t be happy he remembers me!” Ryan hissed, trying to keep his voice down. It was quiet after that, nobody moving.  
Gavin and Ray peeked their heads around the corner, expecting the fight to be over with the drawn out silence in the room.

Ryan unclenced his fist and sat down, touching at his bruised jaw yet again and smiling a bit as Ray turned to go to the kitchen, mumbling something about an ice pack.

"We all need to just calm down. Violence isn't going to solve anything." Jack said, pulling his hand from Michael’s mouth and instead moving it to wrap around Michael’s waist, holding the still shaking man to his side. "Geoff will get better, and he’ll remember us. We just have to wait."

"What if he doesn't?" Gavin asked, speaking up for the first time and looking very worried. Everyone turned their attention back to Jack- minus Ray, who kept his attention on the ice pack he was holding to Ryan’s face.

"We’ll figure something out." Jack said, but his voice was slightly shaking. They really didn't know what they would do if Geoff didn't remember them. They knew nothing, and only had fear. Would Geoff leave them? Would he convince Ryan to go with him? What would they do without Geoff?

Jack shook his head, squeezing Michael closer and kissing his head. “We’ll be fine.”

He didn't like lying.


	2. Salt

_Geoff, would you-_

He’d been back home for about two weeks now. He didn't really have much of what the doctors called ‘progress.’ His leg had gotten better; he could walk around now with a cane in his hand to support his weight. He didn't miss the wheelchair he’d been confined to one bit, and he was sure Ryan was glad when they stashed the old chair in the closet.

He and Ryan had started where they left off. Ryan reminded him of everything that had happened previous to Geoff returning to war- the pick up in fighting oversea, the letter that had arrived informing Geoff that he was to return and help fight. Ryan admitted to Geoff how much they both cried about it. How they all cried about it.

_Geoff, would you please-_

His memory continued to bring him despair. He couldn't remember the other four guys that lived with him, but every muscle in his chest  _ached_  with pain that he couldn't. It was some cruel trick that his brain forgot them, but his heart held on. Ryan said that he would remember, reminded him of what the doctor had said over and over again. Yet as the third week came rushing towards him, Geoff found himself feeling even more empty then when he had nothing.

_Geoff, would you please pass the salt?_

The fucking  _salt._  He had heard all about the god damned salt. It had been digging into his memory like a hungry vulture, tearing at his thoughts and eating them in a devious greed. The only thing that his brain vulture left him was the salt. Maybe it didn't like salt, but after weeks of _‘could you please pass the salt’_ blocking all of his memories and only leaving that- seven words- he was sick of salt. He stopped using it at dinner, and got some very odd looks from his the rest of the guys when he refused it. Ryan quickly brushed it off as an effect of his rattled brain, but the rest of them would glance at Ray, who wouldn't look up from his plate.

Geoff thought that maybe Ray was upset because he was the one who normally did the cooking. Ray and Jack were always the two in the kitchen, and what Geoff could tell from his glances into the room, Ray was in charge. He thought it would be more of a compliment to Ray- didn't salt mask the flavor?

He couldn't remember _anything_  about Ray. It was odd, because everyone else had a faint, distant little tune he could hear. Gavin’s was his smile, and that annoying squeak. Thinking of Jack brought him warmth, and Michael made him smile. He remembered  _almost_  all of Ryan. Almost.

But for Ray he had nothing, and it was impossible to get inside the young man’s head and see just why he got so upset over the salt.

"You look like you’re thinking hard there, Geoff."

It was a Friday evening, and the other four guys had gone out for dinner. Geoff had declined the offer, not feeling up to leaving the house and get the odd glances from people. Ryan had stayed back himself, not wanting to leave Geoff alone. They got no complaints from the rest of the guys.

Geoff glanced over at Ryan when his name was said. True, he had been in a bit of a dreamy state. It was the salt. He’d been debating asking Ryan about what the salt could possibly be for awhile now, and in the solitude of the house he found it was the right moment.

"What’s up with the salt?" He asked, turning a bit so that he could face Ryan better. Ryan’s eyes widened a little bit, and he seemed to be thinking a mile a minute.

"What do you mean?"  _Clear_ , Geoff had to be more clear. He could mean the salt at the dining room table, he could mean anything about salt.

"I keep- there is this voice, and it won’t go away. It keeps asking for me to pass the salt. I know it’s a memory, please tell me you know something about it. I haven’t been able to even look at the salt shaker, it’s driving me insane." Geoff sighed, covering his face with his hands and shaking his head a bit. He waited for Ryan’s response, but when he never heard one he pulled his fingers away from his face to glance at his boyfriend.

Ryan had his phone up to his ear, and was smiling so bright Geoff could swear he saw every tooth in the grin. He opened his mouth to ask what Ryan was doing, but was cut off by Ryan’s hand coming to block his mouth.

"Ray? Please come home. No, just you. You’re not that far, walk! Ray, _the salt._  He remembers the salt.” If Ryan’s smile could have gotten any wider, in that moment it would have. Geoff placed the pieces together in his head; the salt memory belonged to Ray.

His eyes widened. The salt memory belonged to Ray.

_"Uh.. Geoff, could you please pass the salt?" The name tag on his chest burned through his shirt and to his skin. He never asked to speak at this seminar, his publisher had made him. It wasn’t even for writing; it was some upbeat ‘you can do it if you try!’ lecture for college students. The only upside was the free food at the end._

_"Oh, yeah, I’m sorry." He’d been blocking the salt from whoever asked. He grabbed the small vile and handed it over to the kid, looking at him for the first time._  “Holy shit.”

_The feeling that shot through his body at that moment was something that he had never felt in all his years. Sure, he’d written about characters falling in love at first sight, but until this moment he never truly understood it._

_"What? Is there something on my face?" The kid asked. Geoff glanced down at his name tag, reading the letters quickly. Ray. It seemed to fit, a small name for a small man. Geoff practically dropped the salt he was holding, his thoughts mixing together in a rush too quick for words._

_"Nothing but your handsome looks." He internally groaned as the words escaped his lips. A pick up line? Out of all the things he could have come up with, he let a pick up line out. He felt like the punch line to a bad joke, and he felt like he deserved to be it._

" _Wow. Do I really look_ that _gay? You’re the second guy to try that on me today.” Ray sighed, and Geoff felt like he could strangle himself. Why the hell did he just out right say that? How dumb did he have to be, not everyone is as gay as you Geoffrey- “But the first one wasn't as charming as you.”_

_Geoff blinked. He thought for a moment that his ears were playing tricks on him, but the smile that was on Ray’s face proved otherwise. He took his chance._

_"Thank god. I’m pretty sure we’re the two best looking people in this whole room." He held his hand out for Ray to take, "You want to blow this place and get a drink?"_

_The thought dimly occurred to him that Ray was probably a college student. He was asking a college student out for a drink, Christ. He almost decided against it, almost decided that just maybe asking this kid out wasn't the best idea he’d had… but the smile that spread across Ray’s face, the sweet look in his eyes- Geoff couldn't do it. He’d give the kid a chance, his heart was screaming at him to do so._

_"_ _That sounds nice. I don’t do alcohol though." Ray allowed his hand to move into Geoff’s, and their palms pressed together. Geoff felt a sensation shoot throughout his whole body. Ray’s hand fit perfectly in his own, like as if two puzzle pieces had finally come together. He glanced down at Ray, and the slight red on the other man’s cheeks showed him that Ray probably was thinking the same thought._

_Geoff learned that night that Ray was in college for culinary arts; and after a hour at the bar, he learned just how great of a chef Ray was. Geoff had convinced him to come back to his house, and Ray cooked him up something with the shotty ingredients in his home. His taste buds had never been more happy; Ray had a gift. Best of all, he still got free food; and from a hot guy, no less._

_"It’s_ pretty _good.” Geoff said, taking another bite and getting a dangerous glare from Ray. “Could use some salt.”_

_Ray clutched his hands over his chest, gasping and faking a faint. “The worst of insults! How can I live, knowing you think my food needs salt!”_

_Geoff chuckled at Ray’s over dramatic speech, taking another bite of the very good dish before him and rolling his eyes. “Didn't know you were a drama student too.”_

_Ray puffed his cheeks out in annoyance, standing and going to take the plate away from Geoff. “If you don’t like it, then you can’t have it!”_

_Geoff smirked playfully as Ray fell into his trap. He shot his own hand out and took Ray’s wrist, pulling him across the counter and pulling him mere inches from his own face. Their noses touched, and they both looked straight into each other’s eyes. The playful move turned into something more very fast, as Ray moved forward and placed his lips against Geoff’s own._

_His heart exploded in his chest. His head was spinning, and everything was there, with Ray across from him, then against him, up against the wall- in his bed, in his arms. He allowed his whole world to be with Ray that night.. and what would be many nights more._

 

_A distant memory sparked along with the rest. A warm morning, the windows all open and the humid breeze causing nothing but more heat. He woke to the smell of cooking, and smiled as he pulled himself out of bed and out of the tee shirt that was sticking to his body._

_Opening the bedroom door and creeping into the living room of his small apartment, he crept up behind Ray. His arms wrapped around his boyfriend- how he loved that word- and he gently pulled Ray back and close to him._

_"Jesus, you trying to kill me?" Ray laughed, shaking his head and turning the burners off, directing all his attention to Geoff. Their lips met for a brief moment, both of them smiling into it._

_"I would never." Geoff whispered, pressing his nose into Ray’s hair, "How was your first official night at casa de Geoff?"_

_Ray snorted, turning around and gently wrapping his arms back around Geoff. “It was nice. Better then the nights when I didn't live here.”_

_"Exactly what I wanted to hear." Geoff hummed, sliding his hands up Ray’s back and feeling so perfect in that moment. He felt like nothing could ever make this moment better._

_He was never so wrong._   


 

"Geoff? Geoff! Come on, don’t do this. Open your eyes!" Ryan was shaking him, and his head was spinning. Thoughts, memories, writing, thinking… they all blurred together, all mashed themselves into one lump and formed together to a single deity.

_"Ray."_  He breathed out, looking past Ryan and at the door- just as it opened. A panting Ray burst into the house, gripping his chest and leaning back against the door.

"I’m not made for that kind of shit." Ray gasped, but stopped his over heavy breathing when he felt Geoff’s eyes on him. He seemed to curl in on himself, and Geoff finally noticed how backwards he’d been. Everyone had their way of coping with his; he’d witnessed them all, but Ray’s was hard to pick out if you didn't know the right places to look.

He suddenly did. He knew- no, he remembered- every last tick, every single thing about his Ray. His darling Ray.

He could see Ray’s look, how scared he was. He was silent, holding back everything, like the idiot he was. But he was Geoff’s idiot, and his first idiot.

"I’m suddenly craving.. what was it that night you made me? It was warm and sweet, with that expired can of apples, and a filling you made all by yourself." He said, and both Ray and Ryan looked at him with wide eyes. How odd it was, how his memory expanded more and more the closer Ray was. The little things it remembered.

"G.. Geoff?" Ray looked somewhere between a mix of terrified and ecstatic. Geoff stood up, holding his arms out and smiling sweetly at Ray. 

"Whatever it is you make me, I’m going to salt. Just so I can catch up on insulting you for the time I missed." Ray dove into his arms, pressing himself close to Geoff’s chest and quivering against him.

"Fuck you." Ray grumbled, just loud enough for Geoff to hear.

"Didn't think you could. Thought you liked it on the bottom." Geoff whispered back, and laughed as Ray bit him in anger- he was used to it.  _He was used to it!_  It was a thought that hadn't crossed his mind in weeks.

He then turned his head to Ryan- who had been standing silently and awkwardly the whole time- and held one arm out. “Get in here, Ryan.”

Ryan smiled and stepped into the embrace, wrapping his arms around both Geoff and Ray and kissing Ray’s head sweetly. “I’m so happy right now..”

Timing couldn't have been worse. At that moment, Michael and Gavin stepped into the house, hearing Ryan’s words. Geoff felt Ryan tense up very fast, and could feel the glare radiating from Michael.

"Of course. You’re probably the happiest  _fucking_  guy on the planet right now, huh??” Michael spat, turning away from them and running up the stairs. Gavin looked at them for just a moment before he turned away and hurried after Michael.

"Not this again." Ray pulled out of the hug, his hands lingering on Geoff for just a moment. He was afraid that when he let go that Geoff would forget, but a warm smile from the gent told him otherwise. He followed Michael and Gavin up the stairs.

"What’s this all about?" Geoff asked Ryan after a moment’s hesitation, but the blank look on Ryan’s face told him to push no further. Jack came in then, glancing between Ryan and Geoff.

"Where are the lads?" He asked, tilting his head and setting a down the plastic bag of food he’d gotten for Ryan and Geoff.

"Upstairs." Geoff said, and felt Ryan pull away from him and head up the stairs. Jack watched Ryan with worried eyes that caught on fast.

"Geoff, can you give us a moment? I’m going to make sure everything is okay." Jack smiled, and was, like the rest, upstairs. Geoff stood still for a moment, not understanding why everything went down hill so fast. He glanced at the stairs, and then followed the path the others took up them.

 

”- just like before! I knew it would happen the  _second_  we got that call!” He caught the conversation with Michael’s angry words.

 "Michael, please stop. This isn't helping anything." Jack said calmly.

Geoff stopped himself before the door of the room they were in, pressing himself against the wall and just listening. If they didn't want to tell him the problem, he’d figure it out himself. He didn't understand why he felt a need to butt in on this sort of thing, but the pure tension that was spread between the others made his heart just ache.  

"You know it’s true, Jack! We all know what he said that day!" Gavin’s voice was quivering and shaking like crazy, but he was agreeing with Michael.

So far he had Gavin and Michael on the same side. Jack and Ray were in the middle. Ryan was on the other side, and by what he could tell, the side suffering.

"Stop it. You’re getting carried away." Ray snapped. Scratch that, Ray was with Ryan on this. Maybe. 

"Of course you think that. He wanted you to go with them, we all know it. He just protected you so we wouldn't all hate you." Michael’s voice was a mix of anger and hurt, and Geoff’s chest ached just hearing it. "Too late for that now!"

_"Michael!"_  Jack gasped, and there was silence other then Michael’s heavy breathing. Geoff wanted to enter and intervene on this, wanted to know exactly what was going on and wanted to help fix it. He held himself back, clenching his fists to his sides and closing his eyes. Entering now would only make things worse.

"We all know it’s true, Jack. What was that key he gave you, huh Ryan? Your escape plan? You three were just going to run out on us like you always wanted? You never loved us, why was I so  _stupid_  to think you actually loved us??” Michael’s voice got louder and louder, and at the end it was shaking and cracking in anger.

"I love you all. I've  _changed_ , Michael. I’m not that same man, you've all helped me change that man. I would never, ever leave you. Any of you.” Ryan had been very quiet throughout most of the fight so far, and he made his statement clear, other than the sad hitches in his voice.

"What about the key?" Gavin asked, his voice still scared.

"That’s Geoff’s key, the one that locks his safe. He asked me to keep it, trusted me not to use it." Ryan replied, and Michael scoffed.

“ _Bull-fucking-shit._  Where’d you come up with that? How long did it take you to make that up??” Michael laughed a bitter and angry laugh. “Fuck you, Ryan. Fuck you and all your fucking lies. _I hate you_ \- there it is, god, how great that feels to get off of my chest! I hate you, I fucking hate you just as much as you don’t love me.”

Michael stormed out of the room, and to Geoff’s relief walked the other way, down the hall and into the spare bedroom. Jack came out a moment later, chasing Michael down and entering the same bedroom.

Gavin stepped out after that, but his eyes caught Geoff standing there. Their eyes locked for a moment, and Geoff brought his finger up to his lips. The universal sign for _‘please be quiet.’_

Gavin looked at him for a moment, and Geoff swore he saw a very deep look of pain in the lad’s eyes. He didn’t have much time to look, because in the next moment Gavin was gone and heading down the hall after Jack and Michael.

 

 

Geoff was lost.

In the time he’d been in the house, he had memorized it. He guessed that maybe before his memory had left him, he’d known the place inside out. Learning it again was easy.

There was the main floor, which contained the large kitchen and dining room, along with a living room open enough to hold a dance in. His room was in a spare space, what Ryan had told him was a computer room.

Upstairs was large. Geoff wandered how they’d managed such an expansive house, but his memory gave him nothing of the sort. There were two bedrooms, one main and one spare. Three offices, each a mix of items and spaces that Geoff didn't understand. Two bathrooms, a storage room, and what was now the computer room.

Downstairs was open wide, with couches and large televisions. Game stations and mini fridges. A laundry room and another bathroom. It was a guys paradise, and Geoff spent most of his time alone down there.

He’d learned a lot, just watching them go day to day and memorizing the place. He learned that they all very much loved each other, and that he loved them too. Pictures hung about the house, of all of them. He was in every picture, he realized fast. Not a single picture had a lack of his face.

He wondered what had happened that had torn them all apart so much. What had caused such a terrible strain on them all, and why the blame settled all on Ryan.

Ryan, whom Geoff had watched the closest. Ryan, who made sure every morning the plates that Ray set out were all in their correct spot, so no wrong food was served to the wrong person. Ryan, who watched Gavin and Michael dance around with eyes so happy and a smile so bright. Ryan, who kissed a sleepy Jack awake so that he could get him up to bed before he fell asleep on the couch and hurt his back.

He just  _didn't_   _understand._

There was also the key, the key that had belonged to him. A key Ryan had yet to give him. He wondered why Ryan hadn't given it to him yet; but something told him that if he had trusted Ryan enough with it before he left, then he could trust Ryan to give it to him at the right time.  _Right?_

He felt cold, lying alone in his empty, lifeless room. He felt like he was missing something. The darkness swelled around him and he just couldn't take the feeling that was settled on his chest. No one had bothered to say good night to him, and he was left with this feeling of fear. Something he couldn't push out of his mind, something that ate at his soul and shoved him out of bed and into the darkness of the house.

He figured out why there were three bedrooms in the house that night. The real reason they put him downstairs and not in the guest room.  _Because the five of them had been fighting long before he came home._

He crept up the stairs, heading into the main bedroom and glancing in. He found Ray and Ryan there, back to back, curled up far away from the other in a bed too big for two. He narrowed his eyes, but then went down the hall and to the guest room. Inside were the remaining three, Gavin and Michael curled up on either side of Jack. He realized now why the room had seemed used so much, cleaner and more worn then most guest rooms.

His heart dropped in his chest. He didn't understand any of this, why were they all so torn apart? How long had this been going on? Why couldn't he just fucking remember so he could fix this?

He slid down the wall, his head dropping into his legs and tears threatening the corners of his eyes. More than anything, he wanted to fix this. His heart was screaming, crying out for help… all because he couldn't fix it.

He  _needed_  to remember. He  _needed_  to fix this, he  _wanted_  to fix this. He couldn't say he wasn't in love with the five idiots, regardless of how far away they were from him. He  _would_ remember, no matter how hard it was. He had all of Ray back, and half of Ryan. The rest, the start- it wasn't there. But he could get it.  _He would get it._

Something told him he had to start with that key.

He pulled himself up, wiping and his eyes and taking a deep breath. He walked back down the hall, and into the main bedroom. He gently got onto the bed, sliding up and between Ray and Ryan.

Ryan woke up, blinking his eyes open and rolling over to face Geoff. His eyes widened a little, but Geoff put his hand to his boyfriend’s mouth before he could speek.

"Don’t wake up Ray." Geoff gently pulled the sleeping lad closer, and Ryan took the hint of silence and wrapped his arms around Geoff. The warmth was nice, with Ray against his back and Ryan at his front. He was like a middle spoon. He liked that; he felt safe knowing Ray was at his back and Ryan was in his arms. He could feel if anything happened to them.

What he didn't like the feeling that Jack, Michael and Gavin were so far away. The split was like salt rubbed into the wound, but he tried to ignore the thought for now. If he was going to fix this he would need his sleep. So he imagined the other three there; for some reason it wasn't hard. Maybe his memory felt bad for him.

Maybe it was getting easier to remember.

 

 


	3. Shave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is pretty long, but Gavin is v important to me so I felt he needed a long chapter. Can you guess who is next?

Gavin had been having nightmares. They were stupid, pathetic jolts of his past coming back to haunt him. They were a mix of his childhood, his parents yelling at him for things he did. His years as a teen, Dan getting fed up with his antics. His early adult years, the depression that was all about him when he just couldn’t do anything right. They played over and over, all leading up to the worst memory of them all.

Ryan.

It hurt him all over to think that his nightmares were focused all on the fight they had. The words that left Ryan’s mouth, the anger and fear. Jack’s startled expression and Michael’s roar of rage. Ray standing silent behind Ryan, almost in some sort of agreement. The lack of Geoff there to fix it. Everything that had torn them all apart, the nights on the couch and the weeks of silence between them. Why had it all happened when Geoff was gone? Why did it have to even happen at all?

The lies they told Geoff when he called, the persona Gavin had taken to make Geoff think that everything was as well as he’d left it. The empty feeling he got when he’d end the call and break down crying. Ryan trying to touch his arm and talk to him, how he would pull away from the gent. The pain that rested in Ryan’s eyes. It was always there, seared into his mind and now into his eyelids. He couldn’t get it to go away.

The day Ryan apologized for what he’d said. The few days of peace that returned. Then the call. When they got the call, everything had just… blew up.

 It was Michael’s fault. If he had never brought it back up, they would all still be fine. They wouldn’t be fighting, he wouldn’t be having nightmares. Ryan would have never said what he did, and everything would be perfectly fine. He couldn’t bring himself to keep the blame on Michael though. Somewhere in his mind, he knew it was Michael’s fault, but he just could accept it. Michael felt like the one and only thing he had left, the one person he could rely on through all of this.

He couldn’t sleep anymore. He’d lay in Jack’s warm embrace until the morning, too fearful of the dreams that would jolt him awake, along with Michael and Jack. He felt bad for waking them over and over again, and then just brushing off their worried looks. He’d lay back down and focus his thoughts back on the ceiling, trying desperately to fight off the sleep that lurked around the corner.   

He eventually began to sneak out of the bed, going to his office and trying to work.

He found in the sleepless nights, he could create the best pieces of art. His hand would just move for him, and what he thought blossomed on the paper before him. He drew the nightmares down on paper, painted them, and allowed them to come to life before him. Dan and his parents. Michael, Ray, Jack. Ryan; but never Geoff. Geoff was never a nightmare.

Once he had the painting finished, once he’d looked it over, he’d destroy it. Allow all his pain and rage to take the best of him and just rip into the nightmare before him. He’d take a pair of scissors and stab them through the canvas, tearing it up and stabbing deep holes through it. Slash through it, and laugh to himself as the canvas fell to nothing but shreds before him.

He found it calming, destroying the pictures that drove him restless. He found himself falling asleep in the office, waking up in the chair that Geoff had once used. The nightmares never came after he’d painted, so that’s what he did. Night after night he’d sneak into the office and paint himself another nightmare, then destroy it. Then he could sleep calmly, curled up in the chair that he and Geoff would share.  _Don’t think about that, you fool. You’ll make yourself cry._

"Gavin?" Geoff hadn’t been sleeping much himself. He didn’t enjoy the lack of bodies in the bed, and now Ray and Ryan even had some sort of division between them. So he found himself up at night, wandering the house and occasionally checking in on the other three.

He noticed Gavin gone most of the nights. At first he’d brushed it off as a bathroom break; but once it happened more and more, he knew it was something more than just a simple pee break. That’s when he walked in on Gavin painting.

He’d noticed in the month he’d been here, that there were an odd amount of paintings and sketches framed in the house. Very beautiful, well thought out designs and realistic faces, and it was easy to see that the faces behind the frames belonged to him and four other members of the house. He had assumed that Gavin might have drawn them, seeing as there wasn’t one single sketch or drawing of him. (Other than a very bad doodle of a person with an obvious big nose and messy hair, signed by Michael.)

Seeing him draw was a whole other thing. He just seemed to flow so perfectly, his hand flicking here and there with ease; Geoff could swear the lad wasn’t even paying attention to what he was doing. He was just letting it happen. Gavin didn’t notice him, and Geoff probably watched for an hour as Gavin finished the drawing, and then began to color it in. He started out slow, blending reds together and gently stroking blacks and browns. He got sloppier as time went on, and Geoff finally noticed the tears streaming down the lad’s face. He couldn’t bring himself to move, watching over Gavin’s shoulder in awe.

It was when he grabbed the scissors and slashed across the fresh piece of work that Geoff stepped in. He grabbed Gavin’s wrist when it was reared back to slash again, and he held it tightly.

"Gavin?" His voice was full of worry. The beautiful picture before them seemed to be bleeding, the still fresh paint dripping down the canvas and across the wound. Geoff swore he could see a face somewhere under the paint, a face that strongly resembled Ryan.

"Geoff?" Gavin was startled, and he quickly brought his free hand up to wipe away the tears sliding down his cheeks. He looked like a mess, and Geoff realized for the first time how deep the bags under his eyes were. He was covered in the paint that he was using, all over his face and hands. “What… what are you doing here?"

"I saw you were missing from your bed. I panicked a bit, came to find you." Geoff smiled a little, taking the scissors from Gavin and placing them out of reach.

"I…" Gavin looked shocked, but allowed Geoff to take the scissors from his hand. He looked back at his work, swallowing as if he’d just realized what he did.

"Who is that?" Geoff asked cautiously, letting Gavin’s wrist go and stepping in closer to the picture. It was clearly Ryan under the various shades of red and black, and his eyes were covered by a dark streak of paint. He was frowning, and his brows were slanted down. The slash that Gavin had inflicted was straight across the neck, and the paint that had been dripping mixed; creating the color of blood.

"Nobody." Gavin said, too quickly. Geoff gave him a look, and took his chair so that Gavin was turned to face him.

"It’s Ryan. You’re angry with him too?" He kept his tone cool and calm. Gavin looked like he was about to burst, his eyes shaking like crazy.

The lad nodded, looking down at his hands. They were too stained the crimson color that took up most of his canvas, and he choked on his breath with a truly pathetic noise.

"I’m not mad at him, I’m mad at me… I still love him." Gavin whispered. He knew Geoff had heard the whole argument the other night, and knew he understood just what Gavin was feeling. Geoff frowned a little bit, shaking his head and leaving the room. Gavin felt sick to the stomach, and didn’t understand. Why did Geoff leave him? What had he said? Why was he so stupid?

A moment later, Geoff walked back in. In his hands were a wet rag and a glass of water, and he leaned down in front of Gavin, gently using the rag to wipe off the lad’s hands and face. He held the water up for Gavin to take, and then stood back up, sitting the rag down and looking at the picture.

“Gavin, I need you to tell me what happened between you guys,” Geoff said, turning his attention to the now startled lad, “and I need you to tell me everything. You can’t hold anything back. I need to know what’s going on between you all.”

Gavin glanced down at his lap, swallowing a gulp of water and holding the glass very tight in his hand. “Jack told me not to. He said it would be better if you remembered everything on your own.”

“Jack is an idiot. Most of the time, that is.” Geoff leaned down in front of Gavin again, gently taking the lad’s hand and squeezing it in his own. “I need your help here, Gavin. I need all of your help, so that I can help you. I’m not blind; I can see you’re all in pain.”

Gavin looked at his hand that was now in Geoff’s and bit his lip, sitting the glass down on his desk and wiping at tears that were starting to fall yet again. Damn it, why did he have to be such a cry baby? He didn’t know what to do at this point. Ryan and Jack had both agreed that their best choice of action was to allow Geoff to remember everything by himself, but Geoff wanted help. He couldn’t tell him no, and god did he miss Geoff. Geoff could always fix their fights, Geoff could always fix them.

“This is pretty damn sappy,” Geoff broke him from his thoughts with another strong squeeze, “but my heart remembers you all. My head is the problem here. I know I love you all, I just… can’t remember. Don’t you dare tell any of the others that, you hear me?”

They both smiled at each other, Gavin laughing a bit at Geoff being such a sap to make him happy and Geoff smiling at the fact that Gavin was happy again. They looked at each other for just a moment before Gavin nodded and took a deep breath in.

“Okay. I’ll tell you what I can.”

_When they had met Ryan, they had never expected to fall in love with the cocky, sharp doctor. Gavin had fallen down the stairs_ (“How’d we explain that one?”) _after a bit of a wrestling match with Michael. His arm had twisted at an angle that made both he and Jack gag, and Geoff had taken him to the hospital, knowing that this was something he couldn’t fix by himself. Gavin was a mess the whole ride there, cradling his arm against his chest and going on about how much of ‘a knob’ Michael was._

_Dr. Haywood looked like he could care less about them when he entered the little examination room. His eyes looked over them for a moment before he turned back to his clipboard. “Gavin Free. You’ve been here before, I assume?”_

_“What’s that supposed to mean?” Geoff snapped, holding Gavin’s hand tightly and glaring at the younger doctor. Ryan looked at him with bored eyes, pointing at his clipboard._

_“He’s been hospitalized before. I’m assuming you’re his boyfriend, Mr. Ramsey?” Dr. Haywood turned away from them, washing his hands and not really paying much attention to Geoff’s answer. Geoff’s hand wrapped tighter around Gavin’s, causing the lad to whimper a bit._

_“I am. Can you stop dicking around and fix his arm?” Geoff was trying so hard to keep his voice calm, and Gavin glanced at the doctor in hopes he would just fix him up so they could go home._

_“Language, Mr. Ramsey. Gavin’s arm is broke, I can’t just fix it. I need to set a bone back in place, so when it’s in the cast it can heal right.” Dr. Haywood looked at him with narrowed eyes, glancing at the door. “I need you to leave when I do, a nurse will be in here and I don’t want the room crowded.”_

_Geoff looked at the doctor with wide eyes before he turned his attention to Gavin, who gave him a small smile and a wave of the hand. An ‘I’ll be fine’ in just a gesture, and Geoff reluctantly pulled away from his lad and left the room._

_Dr. Haywood fixed Gavin up quickly and effectively. Gavin hadn’t really felt any pain, and the doctor had even held his hand when they had put a needle in his arm._

_He’d gotten a green cast, and was required to come back for a checkup the next week. Geoff hadn’t really wanted to take him, not liking Doctor Dickwood and his shitty attitude. He took him only because he absolutely had to, and to save the rest of his boyfriends from having to meet Ryan._

"I don’t really know what happened between you two. He asked to talk to you alone, and you came out flustered and angry. Told me we were never going back there again. But we did."

"Why?"

"We fell in love with him. I don’t know what he said to you, but you brought him to us and we fell for him.”

_Dr. Haywood had fallen into their lives faster than they could imagine. Geoff had mentioned him, had brought him home for them to meet, and they were all in love with him in the blink of an eye. He was charming and handsome, and though he was rude from time to time, he was something new. Something like a puzzle piece that was missing, a puzzle piece that fit perfectly and connected them all together. He was theirs as they were his._

“He used us.”

“Are those your words or Michael’s?”

“Michael’s.”

_Ryan had turned on them just as fast as they had all fallen for him. He’d asked Geoff to leave all of them with him, to move on from their ‘silly idea of a relationship’ and live a ‘real’ life with Ryan. Geoff had flipped out on Ryan, telling him off and telling the rest of them he’d never, ever leave them. They’d made Ryan leave, and Geoff had apologized for ever believing Ryan’s web of lies. For falling into his trap and thinking the selfish doctor could ever love them all._

“What happened then? He’s here now, what changed?”

“Ryan… He understands your memory loss more than you’d think.”

“How?”

_It had been a rainy day; weeks after they’d kicked Ryan out of their lives. The tension between them had all finally died down, and they were back to their normal lives. It was a Saturday, and they were all home and relaxing. Until Geoff had gotten a call, which he took out of the room. None of them had thought anything of it, waiting for Geoff to come back and talking about the events in the paused movie._

_“I have to go to the hospital.” Geoff entered the room, putting his phone away and taking a long drink of his beer._

_“What’s wrong?” Jack asked, sitting up a bit and raising his brows. Geoff looked at all of them for a moment before taking another drink._

_“Ryan’s in the hospital. Crashed his car, he’s asking for us.” Geoff replied, his eyes no longer able to look at his boyfriends._

_“Us?” Michael scoffed, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes. “What, you going to leave us now? What a shit lie.”_

_“Michael, you can come with me, you all can. He asked for all of us, not just me. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but they say he has memory loss. Can’t remember anything from the past few weeks; that means he forgets we broke it off with him.” Geoff replied, his hands shaking a bit. They all sat in silence for a long time, until Jack had stood up and said it was best they all go._

_They’d gotten to the hospital to find Ryan very much beat up. His head was shaved down, and both of his arms were in a cast. His car had hydroplaned and he’d crashed into a tree, which had knocked him hard. He remembered nothing of the week’s previous events, and was shocked to hear what he had done._

“The Ryan that came out of the hospital with us was… Someone new. He changed so fast, into such a nice guy. It was almost unbelievable, but we gave him another chance.” Gavin looked over at his destroyed painting, closing his eyes and hugging himself.

“That’s not something you should regret.” Geoff said, reaching out and squeezing Gavin’s arm. “I don’t think Ryan wants to leave you, and I promise you I won’t ever leave you. I don’t know much about Michael, but what I’ve seen so far tells me he’s a little bit- how do I say this-“

“He’s afraid of being hurt.” Gavin mumbled, and Geoff frowned in return. So that’s the whole thing, why didn’t he think of that at first? The look on Gavin’s face told Geoff that Michael wasn’t the only one with the fear.

“Hey, Gavin, can you do one more thing for me?” Geoff needed to do two things; change the subject and get one more thing from Gavin.

“I- yeah, anything Geoff.” Gavin smiled a bit, looking down at the hand that was still resting on his arm. He knew that Geoff didn’t remember him at all, but he still felt that Geoff was trying. It made his heart swell. Geoff’s heart was more important than his brain, that’s for sure.

“Draw me, will you? As you remember me, not now- me before I left.” Geoff asked, smiling and removing his hand from Gavin’s arm. Gavin blinked a few times before nodding a little, grabbing a smaller note pad and starting to sketch away. Geoff watched him the whole time, his hand on his cheek and a small smile on. Gavin seemed to be putting everything he could into the drawing.

“Geoff, could you do something for me?” Gavin asked, pulling his pencil away from the paper and biting his lip. Geoff sighed a little, putting exaggeration on it and making Gavin smile.

“Sure buddy. What do you need?”

“Talk to me.” Gavin said shyly, looking back down at the drawing and trying to distract himself again. Geoff felt his heart ache at the shyness that Gavin presented, and he quickly obliged to the lad’s request. They talked for hours, Gavin answering Geoff’s questions and so on. They talked about dumb things, and Geoff answered Gavin’s stupid questions.

Gavin fell asleep when the sun started to rise. His pencil fell as his eyes closed, and Geoff stopped talking and smiled. He walked over to Gavin and pulled the drawing away, grabbing a blanket and covering him up. He watched the lad sleep for a few moments before he glanced at the drawing, and smiled as he saw the one thing he was looking for.

The mustache.

“God damn assholes, giving out my house number! This is the third time now, fuck me.” Michael yelled, drawing the whole house to his attention. Geoff glanced up from the book he was reading, pulling his glasses down and looking out the window. Their yard was swarmed with teenage girls, all jumping up and down and chanting Michael’s name.

In his session the night before, Geoff had learned various things about the guys that he hadn’t known before; one was their careers. Michael was an actor; a very well-known actor, for he had played a character in a series of chick flicks. It wasn’t rare for girls to show up at their home in an attempt to meet ‘Flash McKnight.’ This time though, it was more than just one or two; it was about fifty or sixty.

“Darn, not again.” Jack said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He walked up behind Michael and placed a kiss against the lad’s head, all along pulling the lad back against him. “That means we’ll have to flee to one of our cabins for the weekend, won’t we?”

“Oh you’d like that wouldn’t you, Mr. Pattillo?” Michael hummed, turning around and looking up at Jack. They kissed for longer than Geoff though necessary, and luckily Gavin walked in and gaged at them. Geoff glanced away from the three, sighing and closing his book. He wanted to join them in their whispers about preparing to leave, but he just couldn’t bring himself too. Not remembering three out of five of his boyfriends was not good.

Michael again said something about ‘Mr. Pattillo,’ and got a gentle slap on the back of his head from the older man. Geoff glanced over at them again, trying to remember. Gavin had told him that Jack was a grade school teacher, and Geoff was shocked to learn just how different they all were. An artist, a chef, a teacher, a doctor, an actor… and a writer, all living together; all in love with each other.

_“What did I do?” He’d asked Gavin, glancing over at the desk he now assumed was his own. It was covered in papers and pens, as if someone had recently stopped whatever they were doing and was planning on coming back to it._

_Gavin had stopped his drawing, looking at his lap for a moment before gently saying, “You’re a writer. A pretty damn famous one, might I add. You go under a pen name though, L. R. Griff. Don’t want people breathing down your neck like they do Michael.”_

_“I write? What about?” He didn’t know why he was so shocked, it just all seemed odd to him. He remembered nothing about ever writing a book._

_“I dunno. I never got to reading them, but I’m pretty sure Ryan has all of your books in the bedroom. He uses your own quotes against you sometimes.”_

He looked down at the worn book resting in his lap, and ran his fingers down the spine.  _A Gold Tower._ He gagged at the name that he had come up with, but opened it up yet again. It wasn’t anything special, at least he thought. A war veteran living his normal life, falling in love with some chick down the road; it felt like a typical lady book.

“Ray, we’re going to head down to the cabin. Can you tell Ryan?” He heard Gavin call up the stairs to Ray, and again closed the book. Now was the time; something told him he should do it now. He headed up the stairs, finding his way to the bathroom and pulling a razor from the cabinet.

He didn’t know how long he’d had the mustache. Probably long before he left to go fight, for in the pictures he’d seen he’d had it. Gavin’s drawing had put an emphasis on it, and he could only imagine how the other guys felt about the handle on his face. He found a bottle of shaving cream, and making it a loud time opening it, rubbed some on his face; and over his mustache.

“Geoff, you alright- Holy shit.” Ryan looked into the bathroom, but stopped dead, his eyes widening as he saw just what the older man was doing. “What- What are you doing!?”

Ray heard Ryan’s startled words, and too came around the corner. He covered his mouth and looked at Geoff with a very startled expression. “Jack! Jack, get up here now!”

Jack came the second his name was called, followed closely by Michael and Gavin. They all stopped and stared with Ryan and Ray, eyes wide and mouths hanging open. Geoff turned to face them all, raising his brows and tilting his head.

“I’m shaving! We’re going to our cabin, right? Thought I’d try something new, grow a beard out.” Geoff smiled at them, turning back to the mirror and grabbing the razor again. He went to take it to his face, but felt a hand grab onto his wrist and pull it back.

“You can’t.” Gavin was there, holding his arm and practically in tears, “I love your mustache.”

The world suddenly got very hazy, and everything blurred into colors.

_“I love your mustache.”_

_He and Ray were curled up together on a park bench, Geoff writing his next novel and Ray studying for his next exam. It was a chilly fall day, but they found those the best to go out and relax. The blanket they’d brought was draped lazily around their shoulders, and Ray was half asleep, falling into Geoff’s shoulder._

_The boy that came up to them startled Ray awake, and Geoff held his boyfriend a little closer to assure him that everything was okay. The small man before him smiled shyly, running his hand though his messy hair and shifting nervously on his feet. His nose was too big for his face, and he had bags under his eyes that seemed to last forever. He was skinny and looked like he was around the same age as Ray, and had a drawing pad tucked under his arm._

_“Thanks buddy. Took me a long time to get it to this point of perfection.”_   _Geoff replied, brushing his fingers through the still growing ‘stache and smiling at the boy. “Some people just don’t understand.”_

_“Don’t encourage him.” Ray mumbled, looking at the guy and shoving at Geoff a bit, “He rocked a beard and destroyed it for this rat.”_

_The guy chuckled a bit and shifted from foot to foot yet again, rubbing his neck nervously and seeming torn about something. Geoff glanced up at him, raising his brows and smiling a bit. “You need something from us, buddy?”_

_“Actually, yes. My name is Gavin Free, I’m an artist- I, I’m wondering if I could draw you two.” Gavin asked nervously, rubbing his arm now and biting his lip. “See, I’m going to have a gallery soon, and I just need one more piece. You two- you two are just so different, it would be a great finisher.”_

_Ray looked up at Geoff with surprised eyes, but laughed a bit and cuddled himself back into the older man’s arms. “Hell, its fine with me. One request; call it ‘The handsome Mexican and his bitch.’”_

_Gavin snorted and Geoff shook his head with a sigh, smiling at Gavin and nodding. “If Ray is okay with it, I am. I’m Geoff, by the way. We’d better get tickets to this gallery, Mr. Free.”_

_“Of course! Thank you so much. Just, do your thing, okay? It won’t be long, I promise!” Gavin sat on the bench across from them, pulling his things out and starting to draw._

_“He’s cute.” Ray whispered, opening his book again and pretending to study. Geoff snorted, gently running his fingers through Ray’s hair and laying his pencil down for a moment. He focused on Gavin for a moment, watching the boy work very hard on the drawing._

_They had discussed this before; adding someone new to their relationship. Ray was all for it, and had been the one to mention it awhile back. Some young kid he met in college, Kerry or something like that. Geoff hadn’t minded, and it honestly felt like a good idea. He just hadn’t liked Kerry much, and Ray had respected that. They moved past Kerry; but Ray always pointed people out._

_Geoff couldn’t deny that Gavin wasn’t a good looking guy. The accent only added to his handsome factor, and he looked like he needed a friend or two. It couldn’t hurt, to give him a try. The same thing he’d thought with Kerry… and hell, this one might actually work out._

_He didn’t know how long Gavin took, but the sun was starting to set when the boy placed his pencil down and closed his drawing book. “Thank you.”_

_Ray had fallen asleep again, but Geoff had stayed awake to watch Gavin draw and work some more on_ A Golden Tower.  _He smiled at the young man, and held his hand out for Gavin to shake. Gavin smiled back at Geoff, shaking his hand and shaking it with thankful eyes._

_“Here, for the Gallery.” He pulled two tickets out of his bag, handing them to Geoff and looking away. “I’m sorry I kept you so long, but the final piece will display there.”_

_“It’d better. Now I have to carry this asshole home.” Geoff nodded to Ray, who was slumped to the point he was laying in Geoff’s lap. Gavin’s smile fell a bit, but he attempted a laugh and apologized before excusing himself and hurrying away._

_Geoff watched him go with a frown on his face, but shook his head and gently picked Ray up, heading back home. They’d have their chance at the gallery._

_Gavin’s gallery was not as crowded as others Geoff had been to in his time._

_Not that he was very much into art; he’d only been to one or two that his publisher had insisted he go to. Big galleries for big artists, just so he could sit around and pretend he was someone. There had been hundreds of people at those galleries, but at Gavin’s there was about ten._

_“He’s sure popular.” Ray mumbled, linking his arm with Geoff’s and adjusting his tie. Geoff gave him a bit of a glare, and looked around the room. The art that was hanging on the walls wasn’t bad at all; surely something done by an amateur, but he had seen worse._

_“Look, there we are.” His eyes caught the painting, and his heart felt very warm. It was clearly he and Ray together, sitting curled with each other; Ray was asleep with his book open and Geoff was writing with a small smile on his face. Dark colors contrasted with the bright hues Gavin had painted them, and they both stood in awe looking at it._

_“Holy shit, he named it- he named it what I said to!” Ray laughed, pointing at the small plaque beneath the painting. ‘The Handsome Mexican and his Bitch’ was carved into it, and both Ray and Geoff started to laugh._

_“Geoff, Ray- you came!” Gavin came up behind them, a small smile on his face and his hands clasped together in joy. Ray and Geoff turned around, both still smiling from seeing the name. Geoff held his hand out and shook Gavin’s._

_“This is beautiful, Gavin.” He bit his lip, glancing around at the empty gallery and making the decision, “How much is it? We’ll take it.”_

_Ray blinked a few times, glancing up at Geoff with his brows high. Geoff ignored him and focused his look on Gavin, who made a very surprised noise and covered his mouth._

_“I- It’s a thousand.” Gavin said shyly, blushing and looking back at the painting. Geoff reached into his wallet, pulling his checkbook out and scribbling on down the amount and handing it over to Gavin. The younger man gasped as he saw the check, holding it in his hands as if he’d been handed a million dollars._

_“Now, listen here.” Geoff said, reaching out and laying his hand on Gavin’s shoulder, “I’ll take the painting if you promise me one thing.”_

_“What’s that?” Gavin asked, tilting his head and holding the check tighter in his hands. Geoff glanced down at Ray, who nodded a bit with a smile on his face._

_“You’ll come home with me and Ray after this.”_

_Gavin had been a lover most wanted. They’d arrived home, and it had taken all of ten minutes before Ray had made the first move. He’d reached out and took Gavin’s hand into his own, smiling at him as the other man told them how his gallery was a flop, how he had nothing. Gavin had practically fallen into Ray, kissing him and throwing his arms around Ray’s neck. Geoff had hurried to get his part in on the action, coming up behind the younger two and holding Gavin against his chest from behind. The night had seemed to go by too fast, their breaths all as one; and it felt so right._

_They fell asleep all together; Gavin curled up against Ray and both of them in Geoff’s arms. Geoff had stayed awake for a while, just watching them and thinking of the right way to ask Gavin to join them. It was so odd, and he could practically feel Gavin’s rejection. He had to take the chance though, and the next morning he would ask Gavin to be with them._

_“Where is Gavin?” Geoff sat up in bed, waking Ray in the process. Ray rubbed his eyes and slowly got up, looking around and finding the room Gavin-less. His clothes were no longer on the floor, and his bag was gone from the bedside._

_“We scared him away.” Ray mumbled, pulling the blankets around his naked body and looking at the doorway. Geoff groaned and flopped back, looking up at the ceiling and kicking his legs a bit._

_“He was perfect.” He hissed, glancing over at Ray. The younger man was just staring at the doorway, his eyes sad and a small sigh leaving his lips._

_“Threesomes aren’t typically something people want to be a part of. We should have thought of that, probably fucking him the first night wasn’t the best course of action.” Ray laid back himself, curling himself up in Geoff’s arms and closing his eyes._

_“Worked for you.” Geoff said with a small smile, gently running his hands through Ray’s hair and kissing his head. Ray bit his shoulder angrily, huffing and shaking his head in anger. There was a silence then, and Geoff gently squeezed Ray closer._

_“It’ll be okay. We’ll try again, okay? We both know we like Gavin, and we’re not just going to let him weasel away.”_

_A week passed by them, and they neither heard nor saw Gavin Free. Geoff walked around the art school, Ray asked a friend about him, they sat in the park they’d met him in; but nothing ever fell in place. They could never find Gavin Free. Ray was at the point of giving up._

_“He clearly doesn’t want us to find him.” Ray said, cooking dinner and shrugging his shoulders. “Let’s just let him go.”_

_Geoff looked up from his writing, a small frown on his face. He didn’t say anything though, allowing Ray to have the silence. He almost agreed, but something deep inside of him told him that Gavin didn’t run away from them. Maybe he was afraid, but Geoff just didn’t want to believe they couldn’t have Gavin._

_A loud knock pulled him from his thoughts, and he stood up to answer it, allowing Ray to his cooking. He opened the door and glanced outside, his eyes widening as he found Gavin standing on his doorstep._

_“Gavin!” He laughed, stepping forward to hug the man when Gavin suddenly slumped into his arms, heavy and shaking. Geoff held him tightly, fear gripping at his heart as he felt just how cold Gavin felt. He pulled the younger man inside, taking him to the couch and gently laying him down. Ray came from the kitchen, his own expression moving to that of fear._

_“What’s wrong? Is he okay?” Ray crouched down beside Gavin, gently laying his hand on Gavin’s forehead. “He isn’t hot, hell he’s cold.”_

_“His clothes are all torn up. Ray, get him something of yours, I’ll get him something warm.”_

_They did their duty and fixed Gavin up, and found out from the shaking man that he’d been thrown out of his apartment by his roommate because he hadn’t held his share of the rent. He hadn’t been able to go to school for a week, and he’d been walking out on the streets._

_“I’m sorry to bother you both, I just didn’t know where else to go. I’ll leave when morning comes.” Gavin said, pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders and closing his eyes. Geoff and Ray shared a look, and both of them shook their heads at the same time._

_“Gavin, you’re welcome here any time. We love you.” Ray said, reaching and taking Gavin’s hand in his own. Gavin’s eyes widened and he looked up at the two of them with shaking eyes._

_“You- I thought I was just a shag?”  Gavin whispered, and Geoff found himself pulling Gavin into a big huge._

_“Gavin, we’re not going to just fuck you. I don’t know what you think we are, but we’ve been looking all over for you. We want you to be with us.” Geoff whispered back and Ray nodded in agreement, gently running his hand into Gavin’s hair._

_“You can stay here with us, okay?” Ray leaned down, laying his head on Geoff’s shoulder so that he and Gavin were face to face. Gavin stared at Ray for a moment before he broke down crying, nodding and hugging Geoff tighter._

_“And you can decide if you love us back, too.” Geoff whispered teasingly into Gavin’s ear, gently rubbing the younger man’s back as they all sat together._

_When he’d woke up, it was hot. It was so hot. His skin felt like it was going to melt off of his body. He could barely open his eyes to look up at the sky, at the cloudless void above him. The sun beat down against his skin, and sweat flowed down his face._

_"Get up. If you lay there you’ll bleed out. Get up. Now." A voice in the back of his head sprung into his thoughts. He followed the commands, sitting up slowly. His whole body ached in pain, and he almost fell back it hurt so much._

_"You have water. Drink some, put some on your leg. Wrap your head up." Another voice said, calm and collected. He blinked a few times, bringing his hand up to the side of his head and pulling it back to his face. It was covered in blood- so much blood._

_"Geoff, you dumb fuck. Stop looking and fix yourself up now. This is nothing, you can take this." The third voice made him jump, but he followed the instructions. Found his canteen and took a small drink, then poured some on the deep wound on his leg. He pulled his shirt off and wrapped it around his head._

_"That’s good. You’re so lovely, Geoff. You need to walk, okay? You need to go back to camp, you can’t let them catch you." He couldn’t help but smile at the fourth voice in his head. He stood slowly, catching his balance and looking at the lifeless land before him._

_"Don’t forget to drink, okay? Our picture is in your pocket, you take that and promise you know we’re there with you. Always, Geoff." He reached into his pocket, finding the small keychain and holding it to his face._

_"Always." He whispered, and wrapped his hand around the picture. He limped forward into the heat, pressing himself onwards. "Always."_

He woke up with a startled gasp, shooting up in from where he was laying on the couch and gripping his chest. He felt too hot, and he gripped his chest in an attempt to get air into his lungs. A hand was on his back, gently rubbing it and sitting him up further.

“Geoff, you okay?” It was Jack, who was sitting with him and helping him breathe with worried eyes. Geoff looked at him with thankful eyes, rubbing his chest again and nodding. He glanced around the room, finding himself in an unfamiliar room.

“Where are we?” He asked, looking back at Jack and swinging his legs over the edge of the couch and rubbing his head.

“At our cabin. You passed out after you tried to shave, and we couldn’t wait for you to wake up. The house was swarmed with Michael’s fans.” Jack smiled a bit, holding a cup out for Geoff to drink from. Geoff nodded a little, looking at Jack with sad eyes. He remembered Gavin now, thank God; he couldn’t go another day with the lad’s sadness. Jack though, he still couldn’t remember Jack. That was something painful, because every time he found himself looking at the other man his heart just screamed.

“Where is Gavin?” One thing at a time, that’s what he had to do. He had to start with Gavin, the one person that was on his mind.

“Uh, he’s outside with Ryan.” Jack smiled, helping Geoff up so that he could go out to them, “Be careful of your head, okay?”

Geoff stopped for a moment, glancing back at Jack and frowning a bit. He couldn’t understand why Jack was so nice to him, why he still acted like everything was so okay. There had to be a point where Jack couldn’t take it anymore, and Geoff was afraid of what would happen when that happy exterior would break.

“Hey, Jack?” He said quickly, placing his hands in his pockets and looking at the other gent.

“Yeah?” Jack smiled.

“It’s okay to be upset, okay?” They met eyes for a second, and in that second a world of pain was shown behind Jack’s happy look. Before it got any further, Jack laughed and looked away.

“I’m fine, okay? Don’t worry about me; I can take care of myself.” Jack waved his hand at Geoff, standing up and leaving the room the opposite way that Geoff was. Geoff frowned again, before turning away and heading towards the back door.

The cabin was pretty big for a ‘cabin.’ It was more like a vacation home, and it took Geoff a moment to find his way out back to find Gavin and Ryan together. They were resting on a swinging bench, Gavin asleep with his head against Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan was looking out at the woods, a cigarette hanging from his mouth and his gaze distant.

“I didn’t know you smoked.” Geoff made his presence known, and Ryan glanced over at him, pulling the rollup from his lips and glancing at it with sad eyes.

“I don’t. Used to.” Ryan whispered, looking at Gavin and turning his head back towards the woods to blow the smoke from his lips. Geoff walked over to him, taking the rollup from his lips and putting it out, flicking it away and into the woods.

“I see you and Gavin made up.” Geoff dropped the cigarette conversation, and leaned back against the rail of the porch. Ryan glanced at Gavin again, a small smile forming on his lips.

“Yeah, we did. You talked to him, huh?” He gently ran his hand through Gavin’s hair, kissing his temple and smiling brighter when Gavin curled up closer to him, grumbling.

“I did, all for the better. Michael is next on my list.” Geoff said, and got a sad look in return from Ryan.

“Good luck with that one, he hates me. Probably wanted to leave me back home and let his fangirls eat me alive.” Ryan grumbled, shaking his head and laying it on top of Gavin’s. Geoff smiled sadly, walking closer and squeezing Ryan’s arm.

“Ryan, I need you to give me that key and tell me where my safe is.” Geoff squeezed Ryan’s arm tighter, looking right into his eyes. Ryan looked shocked for a moment, but he reached under his shirt and pulled out a necklace that was connected to the key. It dangled on his chest for a moment as he took it off, and Geoff watched with wide eyes.

“Lucky for you, you put the safe here before you left. Under the bed.” Ryan said, handing the key to Geoff and smiling sideways. Geoff thanked him and took it into his hand, staring at the key with happy eyes.

“Geoff?” Ryan asked, pulling him away from his look at the key. “How did you know about the safe?”

Geoff looked at him for just a moment before turning away and tucking the key away and into his pocket. “I listen to more things than you think, Ryan.”

Ryan swallowed back a scared noise, watching as Geoff went back inside. He looked down at Gavin for a moment, gently touching his cheek and wondering just how much Geoff really knew.

Geoff entered the bedroom silently, not wanting to draw any attention to himself. Michael was downstairs complaining to his manager about this and that, and Jack and Ray were watching a movie together in the den. He leaned down and under the bed, finding the small safe and pulling it out. His heart was pounding in his chest, and he pulled the key from his pocket.

Talking to Gavin hadn’t really played out in his favor, so he went back to the top his list. The safe. He wondered what he had locked in here that he kept hidden from the rest of his boyfriends, and why he trusted Ryan the most to keep the secret from the rest of them. He placed the key in the lock, turning it and listening to the click.

He pulled the door open slowly, biting his lip and gasping as he saw what was inside of the old safe…


	4. Act

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sweet stuff is finally starting! (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))

For as long as Michael could remember, trust was a word that he associated with lies.

 

It had first appeared to him as such a slanted word when he was a kid. His memory as a child wasn’t much, but one thing stood out to him among the rest, like a dark speck amongst the white blurs. He saw it vividly, that day. The day his mother had cheated on his father, shattering everything that they had together. He could feel his brother’s hand on his shoulder as the listened to the fighting between the two, the harsh words and accusations. He could feel his own hands clenched together; he could feel the first time he turned the emotions he was feeling into anger.

He’d gone out in the back yard, his old baseball bat in one hand and a metal pan in the other. The tears were starting to fall fast down his fast, and his chest hurt from the sobs he was holding back. Crying is for girls. Crying is for the weak. He didn’t cry, he was Michael Jones and he did not fucking cry.

The bat burned his hands, and in a furious rush, he smashed it down into the pan. The loud clang that followed was like noise to his ears, and he took not another moment before he brought the bat back down. He didn’t know how long it was until he finally stopped mutilating the old pan, but his palms were bleeding from the rubber against his skin. He fell to the ground, his emotions finally feeling as if they were gone from him.

Through his teens, he saw a lot of lies. From friends, from teachers, his brother. People who he thought he could trust, people whom had been there for him. With every lie he heard, the once small notch in his heart grew deeper and deeper. Emotion became a thing that he didn’t want to feel, so he suppressed everything behind the one thing that never left him; anger.

Upon a whim, he auditioned for the school play. He was seventeen, and in his last year of school. A chain of events he could barely remember had gotten him thrown off the wrestling team, and he needed something to do. A girl he thought he had a crush on convinced him to audition with her, and much to his surprise, he found himself in the lead role.

'A natural' they called him, 'a prodigy in the making.' The director had already signed him up for some other roles, wanting him to audition for this and that. He had done as told, stumbled into audition after audition for characters he knew nothing about.

All the while, he was falling in love for the first time. People had called him, in years previous, ‘Undateable Jones.’ He never felt attraction towards people, it always seemed like relationships were just tedious acts that only led to pain and lies. He had never bothered himself with such things, but for some reason he thought Brant would be different. The director’s son had joined them on many of their trips, sitting with Michael in the back and telling him many things about acting. Michael had fallen head over heels for the guy. He was tall and handsome, with bright blue eyes and dark hair. He knew Michael had fallen into his trap the second their eyes met, and he used that to his advantage.

Michael had lost himself in the endless waves of Brant’s eyes, and had been drowned and eaten by the fish in a matter of days. Brant had caught him, used him, and then left him for dead. He told his father that Michael was a lost cause, and once the school’s play ended; director douche stopped taking Michael to auditions.

Michael had never felt such pain. He had thought that his parent’s separation would be the worst thing he ever felt, but the feeling of being used, used and tossed away had been ten times worse. He had smashed things, thrown things, kicked and broke everything in his sight. None of it had seemed to do him any good, and the pain swelled up in him worse and worse. The notch in his heart had turned into a deep, open hole, and it began to crack. He feared for the first time that his anger couldn’t cover up the pain, and had practically torn his room to shreds in an attempt to keep his thoughts at bay.

He hadn’t even realized where his fist was going until it had smashed into the wall. The pain that shot up his arm and through his body was the first bit of warmth he’d felt in days, and as he fell back in shock, he realized it wasn’t anger that had kept his emotions locked up. It was pain.

The bat had torn his hands apart. He’d cut himself on glass when he’d smashed a vase on the ground, and now his broken knuckles. It all seemed to make sense now, pain and suppression. They make great partners, or so it looked.

By some stroke of luck, the role of Flash McKnight was dropped into his lap. It was some old book being made into movies, to show it to the new generation. He’d auditioned before he was kicked to the curb, and the director had fallen in love with him. He accepted the role, and never expected it to get as big as it had. He was put up on a silver platter for the whole world, and he had writers, other actors, and directors on their knees begging him to be in their movies, shows, animated series. For the first time he was actually happy, and he soaked up the fame that had very suddenly decided to suck his dick.

He kept himself distant from relationships, kept himself away from pain. Chuckled at the rumors he saw about him and his co-stars. He enjoyed the loneliness of his large home, and lived in the cool silence without a complaint. He was fine on his own.

That all changed when he met L. R. Grif.

Grif was the author of the Flash McKnight series. Novels he’d written back in his teens, long books with a deep theme about life and death. He rarely showed his face to the crowd, and if he did it was normally hidden or blurred out. The director wanted Michael to meet him so he could get a better look in on Flash, amongst other things.

He accidentally fell for Grif. The older man had calm eyes and an amazing laugh that made Michael’s heart flutter, and he fell in love with the man in the blink of an eye. His real name was Geoff, and he was one of the nicest guys Michael had ever met.

Learning to trust Geoff alone was hard; learning to trust Ray, Gavin and Geoff was even harder. He couldn’t say he didn’t love Ray and Gavin as much as he loved Geoff. The British idiot had pulled him just as fast as Geoff had, and Ray was just a very trustworthy guy. They accepted him and he accepted them, and for the first time he realized just how lonely loneliness was.

They all fit together perfectly. They found Jack, and he fit into their lives like he was always meant to be. Michael finally felt happy, and he didn’t have to hide himself behind the pain and the anger. He couldn’t even think of anything that could ruin what they had, until he came into play.

Michael’s heart had finally shattered when Ryan had used them. The day he heard the words Ryan told Geoff, he had felt his heart fall apart in his chest. It was the most pain he had ever felt, and he swore he was falling apart just as his heart was. How dumb could he have been, to put his trust into five different people? He should have known from the start he’d be screwed over by at least one of them, yet here he was, his heart in pieces and tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

He hid the pain from the rest of them. He watched as Ryan left and told himself that he had never truly loved that bastard, and now, now he hated him. He was a big ball of lies, and he didn’t even think he existed under all of the faults.

Conveniently, Ryan had forgotten what had happened between them. He begged for them back, and for a moment Michael trusted him. He opened himself back up again, allowed Ryan into his life. It seemed to be fine after that, as if his heart had never fallen apart. He was such a damn fool.

Once Geoff left them, once he wasn’t there to keep them glued together- to keep Michael together- things fell apart. Ryan got distant from him, and deep inside Michael knew that Ryan was trying to push him away first. Get rid of the easy one first, then he could work his way to Geoff. It was as clear to him, and whatever bit of him thought his heart was fine died. The pieces that were left of him were smashed to dust.

The day that Michael noticed Ryan’s lack of interest in him, he’d broken a mirror. His own reflection had just looked so empty, empty and sad. He felt rage build up inside of him, and he smashed the mirror with his fist. He felt the glass entering his skin, and he fell to his knees with a gasp as the pain turned to warmth.

Gavin was the only one who knew what he did. He’d heard the shattering, and had ran up and tended to Michael. Gavin was the only one he told about what was going on, and Gavin was on his side. Sometimes Michael felt like Gavin was the only one who understood him, the only thing he had left.

If Ryan had noticed the wrap around Michael’s hand, he had said nothing about it. His eyes had briefly glanced at Michael before they were back on Ray, and Michael knew just how correct he was on his suspicions. He just couldn’t believe he’d allowed himself to fall for the lies more than once. Love. Hate. Love. Hate. It just kept repeating, and he was so sick of it. So sick of everything, the pain and the fear. If Ryan left, if he took Geoff and Ray, what would they have left? What would he have left?

He felt like he could just disappear. If he was gone, things would just be much easier. Everything would be fine with the silence of nothing.

"Michael, come here." He hadn’t even realized that Geoff had come into the room. His own thoughts had kept him so far out, the current world hasn’t seemed important.

"Geoff?" He turned around to see the older man looking at him with gentle eyes. "What’s up?"

"Come with me." Geoff repeated, holding his hand out and nodding his head back. "I wanna show you something."

Michael felt his chest tighten up with some sort of fear. He stood up and walked over to Geoff, taking his outstretched hand and holding it lightly.

It felt so odd, feeling Geoff’s hand in his own again. It had been so long since they had been this close without some sort of forced contact with each other. His hand was warm and it just felt so right to have them together. Stop being so stupid, he doesn’t remember you. Why would he remember you?

Geoff led him into the bedroom, and with a light shove pushed Michael onto the bed. Michael landed with a pout and crossed his arms, running his hand through his curls.

"What are you doing? I have things to do." Michael grumbled, crossing his arms and adjusting his position on the big bed. Geoff was turned away from him, grabbing something from off of the dresser. Michael sighed, moving to get off the bed and see just what Geoff was pulling- but was stopped when Geoff turned around, holding a small journal and clearing his throat.

"I met Flash McKnight on a sunny Tuesday. However cheesy this sounds, that was the sunniest day I’d ever experienced. To meet the character I’d created years ago to tame my raging boner; hell, it was the most exciting thing I’d ever done. To be honest, I created Flash as an attempt to make my dream guy. I made him up on a whim, after finally coming around to my sexuality. Michael Jones was my dream man." Geoff pulled the book down a bit, looking at Michael with a cheesy grin. Michael’s mouth was hanging open, a bright blush on his cheeks.

"What- What the fuck is that?" Michael stuttered, covering his mouth and trying to stand up. Geoff pushed him back down, sitting down on top of his lap and holding the book closed.

"Get off me, asshole!" Michael laughed, trying to shove Geoff away from him. Geoff didn’t move, instead pushed Michael down further so that he was practically lying on the lad. He opened the journal again, moving his finger down the page until he found his place.

"I had been very nervous. I never felt as famous as people dub me, but Michael Jones- he was famous. Ask any teen girl about him and they’ll pull out ten teen magazine posters of him. I was nothing compared to him, and the first second I saw him my heart practically combusted it was beating so fast. Those shiny blue eyes, curly brown hair, and baby smooth skin- this kid was perfect. I couldn’t even breathe; it was like looking at an angel." Geoff again closed the book, rolling off of Michael and leaning on one elbow so their eyes could meet.

"Did… you write that?" Michael asked, his eyes still wide and his face blushed. Geoff nodded, laying back on the bed and holding it up to read. He turned a few pages, finding a new section and smiling gently.

"Flash McKnight is a hero. I created him to be a heart throb, a man without a single flaw that could hit the hearts of teen girls and boys everywhere. I never expected Michael to be perfect, but the things he went through- things he was frightened to tell me about- they were things I wouldn’t do to the worse of characters. Michael played a hero on the screen, and I wanted to be his hero. This kid brings out my truly sappy side, dear lord. I’m head over heels."

"Stop." Michael shot his hand out and took the journal from Geoff, rolling away from him and flipping through it. He couldn’t believe that Geoff would write that about him, he just couldn’t. This had to be some ruse, something to trick him into feeling better.

Yet as he flipped through the pages he found Geoff’s words to be true. They were plain to see on the worn pages, chicken scratch hand writing all about him. He felt his chest tighten up, and he stopped flipping through the pages as he felt tears swell up. This couldn’t have been written in a short amount of time; the pages were old and full, hell the whole journal was full. Michael could see times when they’d catch Geoff writing in the old thing, but never did he think it was about him.

"What the fuck is this?" Michael sputtered out, turning back to face Geoff. He was met with a gentle kiss rather than an answer, and he dropped the journal in shock. Geoff didn’t bother with it, instead moving his hands up to cup Michael’s cheeks and hold him close. They stayed like that for a few moments before Geoff pulled back and pulled Michael into a strong hug.

"Stop acting, this isn’t a movie. You can cry, you can be upset. You and Jack, repressing everything. It isn’t healthy, my love." Geoff whispered, holding Michael’s head to his chest.

Michael felt tears build up again, this time even worse than the last. He pressed himself closer to Geoff, his shell breaking and the bits of his heart shaking. He let a sob slip out from his lips, and before he could stop it he was breaking down. Geoff held him through it all, gently rocking the lad and stroking his hair. 

"I can’t take it anymore, Geoff. I love him, I love him but he doesn’t love me! And I told him, Geoff, I told him that I hated him!" Michael bawled, gripping his hair as he continued to break down. Geoff stayed silent, moving his hands up and pulling Michael’s from his locks.

"I’m so stupid, oh god! I let myself think he loved me, god dammit!" Michael’s pain had already switched to that of anger, and his grip on Geoff’s hands grew tight.

"Why do you think that?" Geoff asked, squeezing Michael’s hands back to remind them they weren’t alone.

"Once you left… everything just went downhill with me and him. He just stopped caring about me. He cared more about Ray. He’s going to leave us again, and he’s pushing me away first!" Michael looked down at his hands intertwined with Geoff’s, "He might as well just kill me. I can’t live without him."

Michael felt Geoff’s hands suddenly leave his own, and as he looked up to see just why, someone pulled him back and off of the bed. He yelped in surprise, and the warm pair of arms wrapped around him pushed the fear even further. He knew it was Ryan before the other man even spoke.

"Don’t you ever say such things." Ryan whispered, gripping Michael as close as he could. "What is this all about? The key?"

Ryan turned Michael to face him, grabbing his cheeks in his own palms and looking him right in the eyes. It took Michael a moment that Ryan was crying; tears were sliding down his skin and leaving marks of their path. Michael gasped a little, his chest suddenly full of pain. The look of pure agony and desperation that rested in Ryan’s eyes told Michael that the other man wasn’t lying.

"Is it the key? I gave it to Geoff! Or- when you hurt your hand? Jack and Gavin told me not to bring it up! Or- oh, what else did I do? God, I’m so sorry!" Ryan cried, dropping his head down. His hands followed in suit, swinging down and laying limply at his side.

Michael swallowed back some surprised noise, looking at Ryan’s shaking figure before him. It all made sense; of course Gavin would tell Ryan not to ask about his hand. They probably thought it would only make things worse on both sides. All he had to do was ask Ryan why he never brought it up: he never asked Ryan anything.

"Why did you ignore me? After Geoff left… you acted like I wasn’t there." Michael asked, bringing his hand up and gently lifting Ryan’s head back up. Again their eyes met, and this time Michael saw confusion behind Ryan’s eyes.

"I did? Oh my god. I didn’t even realize. You just; you seemed the most okay with the situation. I was trying to keep Gavin and Jack in check- I never meant to hurt you." Ryan whispered, bringing his hand up and touching Michael’s cheek.

Michael stood silent before bringing his hand up and placing it on top of Ryan’s. A small smile formed on his face, and he brought his free hand up and punched Ryan in the shoulder.

"Ow! What was that for?" Ryan laughed, shaking his head and rubbing his bruising shoulder.

"Nothing. I haven’t punched you in a long time." Michael grinned, and Ryan narrowed his eyes a little as a sly grin of his own came to his face.

"That’s a lie,” Ryan pointed at his healing bruise, “well, then that justifies this." Ryan said, his voice matter of fact. He grabbed Michael’s shirt and lifted him up a bit so that their lips met. Michael was stiff at first, surprised by the sudden grabbing of his shirt; he relaxed after a moment, laying his arms on Ryan’s shoulders and kissing him back.

"God, get a room." Geoff laughed, still sitting on the bed. He had kept silent throughout the whole thing; he wanted Michael and Ryan to fix this on their own. (With a little bit of a push, that is.)

When he’d opened the old safe, he’d found it held three journals. Each had their own color, and were stacked neatly on top of each other. They all had a title stitched on the front, black letters that stood out on the colored cloth. ‘Them.’

He had picked the first one up, turning it around in his hands and running his fingers down the worn spine. It had clearly been used a lot, and he opened it up to the first page, wondering just what was written inside.

The first page was labeled Ray. It was his own handwriting, scratchy letters blurred together. He wondered how anyone could read it, but his brain seemed conditioned to it at this point. He turned his attention back to the page, before turning it and being met with pages covered with writing.

"Dear lord." He flipped through, skimming the pages here and there; it didn’t take him very long to realize it was his own view on meeting Ray. He smiled at his own comments, again remembering the story of falling in love with Ray.

He flipped on ahead, finding a clear division in the pages. Another page appeared with a label, this one reading ‘Gavin.’ He put the pieces together quickly, and with wide eyes dropped the journal in his hands and grabbed the next one. He opened it, and laughed at the relief that flooded through him in that moment. He brought his hand up and ran it over the writing, his smile bright and his plan already forming. Whatever whim had brought him to write these journals was something distant to him, but all he could do was smile at the word before him.

'Michael.'

_I met Flash McKnight on a sunny Tuesday. However cheesy this sounds, that was the most sunny day I’d ever experienced. To meet the character I’d created years ago to tame my raging boner; hell, it was the most exciting thing I’d ever done. To be honest, I created Flash as an attempt to make my dream guy. I made him up on a whim, after finally coming around to my sexuality. Michael Jones was my dream man._

_I had been very nervous. I never felt as famous as people dub me, but Michael Jones- he was famous. Ask any teen girl about him and they’ll pull out ten teen magazine posters of him. I was nothing compared to him, and the first second I saw him my heart practically combusted it was beating so fast. Those shiny blue eyes, curly brown hair, and baby smooth skin- this kid was perfect. I couldn’t even breathe; it was like looking at an angel._

_Flash McKnight is a hero. I created him to be a heart throb, a man without a single flaw that could hit the hearts of teen girls and boys everywhere. I never expected Michael to be perfect, but the things he went through- things he was frightened to tell me about- they were things I wouldn’t do to the worse of characters. Michael played a hero on the screen, and I wanted to be his hero. This kid brings out my truly sappy side, dear lord. I’m head over heels._

_Getting Michael adapted to me alone was very hard. He’d been thrown away, forgotten about, and used in the years before he became Flash. I couldn’t blame him for being afraid to commit to me, let alone me and two other people. Gavin had practically wet himself I had suggested bringing Michael into our relationship._

_"Bloody Flash McKnight! Geoff, I’ll be too star struck to introduce myself to the guy! Michael Jones is one of the most popular actors in Hollywood; like hell he’d fall for us."_

_Ray had, on the other hand, seemed calmer about everything. He’d rolled his eyes at Gavin’s ridiculous squawking, and had reminded Gavin that Michael was still a normal human being. I still thank God that at least one of my boyfriends has a level head._

_"It’s not like he spits fire, Gav. He’s a human being, and it’s pretty clear he likes Geoff from the five flower baskets we’ve gotten."_

_Michael had sent me a lot of flowers. I was very flattered, but at this point Michael still thought I was single. Single as in not dating in anyone at all, let alone_ two _guys. I could only hope that introducing him to Ray and Gavin would be easy; and thank God it was._

_We invited Michael over for dinner. He accepted the moment I asked him, and we prepared the whole day. Gavin was mostly worried about meeting someone so famous, and had his focus on his appearance most of the day. Ray seemed much calmer, but was very focused on making the perfect dinner. What was I doing the whole time? Just trying to fathom how this was actually working out. Everything was falling together perfectly; Gavin and Ray were more than excited to ask Michael into their relationship. The only thing keeping everything worrisome was Michael’s view on things._

_He arrived right on time, just coming in as I had told him too. The next few moments were hectic; Michael found out about Ray and Gavin and practically had a panic attack. Gavin asked for his autograph about six times. Ray stood silent and watched the whole thing go down; and I laughed my ass off at the look on Michael’s face._

_Details aren’t all that needed. We talked to Michael a lot over the next few months; he sort of just shifted into our daily routine and us into his. He was wary around all three of us; but he liked Gavin a lot, and Ray isn’t a hard guy to fall for. We broke him of his lonely lifestyle, and moved into his large home._

_"You lived here all by yourself? Bloody hell Michael, this place is huge! You probably have someone living in your attic and you’d never know!"_

_Gavin’s first view on the house was how expansive it was. He ran around the whole place, looking at everything and touching all of the pictures of Michael and other famous faces. Michael followed him around like a lost puppy, as he normally seemed to do. Latch onto one of us and follow us around, trying to avoid being with all of us at once._

_"It’s not that big, you idiot. Bigger than Geoff’s shitty apartment, but I’ve seen bigger."_

_Michael was getting more talkative. He was opening up to us, slowly but surely. In fact, that evening he slept with all of us- snuck into the bed after he thought we were all asleep. I knew. I was still awake, and felt him slide in between me and Ray. He curled up close._

_He was the perfect fit. Ray was stoic and quick thinking. Gavin was our idiot and our genius. Michael was our little dear with a temper problem. I was… I wasn’t enough. I didn’t feel like I fit in perfectly like the rest of them. Maybe it was because I didn’t know how to describe myself. What was I? The sarcastic, drunken, pathetic asshole?_

_I wasn’t enough, or so I thought. That all changed when I met Jack._

Everything seemed so much better. As if all the pieces had come back together, like they were never apart in the first place. Geoff found himself in the middle of everyone that night, not a single person missing from their bed. Michael was curled up next to him on one side and Ray the other. Jack was facing away from everyone, his back against Ray’s. Ryan had one hand around Michael and the other Gavin. For the first time since Geoff had arrived home, things felt complete.

He glanced over at Jack’s sleeping figure, and with a sigh reached his hand over and touched his hair. Ray grunted a bit, but didn’t wake up. Jack turned his head around, and his eyes met with Geoff’s own. There was a silence that was only interrupted by Ryan’s snoring and Gavin’s heavy breathing. In that moment their eyes shared many things with each other, things that only they would need to know.

Jack turned back away and Geoff pulled his hand back to his chest. He listened to the noises around him, and allowed himself to slip into a warm sleep.

“Have you seen Geoff?” Ryan asked, coming into the living room. A fresh cup of coffee was rested in his palms, and he glanced at the heads sitting around the couch.

“Not since this morning. He seemed off, went outside last thing I knew.” Gavin said, turning himself around to look at Ryan with worried eyes. “You don’t think being with all of us again made him feel weird, do you?”

“No.” Jack replied for Ryan, not moving his eyes from the television. “He loved it, trust me. It just might be the weather change, or maybe he’s not feeling well.”

“Never saw him come back inside.” Ray looked at Jack first before looking back at Ryan and nodding his head to the back porch. “I was in the kitchen since he went out, and you were in there after me.”

“Maybe he wants to read his damn journals.” Michael mumbled, sipping his own coffee and shaking the red off of his cheeks. “Probably all about Jack’s dick.”

“You’d be jealous, yours was all about your lovely baby stages!” Gavin laughed, touching his chest in a sweet gesture that only got a glare in return, “You always followed me around- how did he put it? Like a lost puppy- Ow!” Gavin was cut off by Michael’s suddenly strong hand on his head, pressing him down.

“I’ll show you a lost puppy, alright.” Michael growled, grinning at Gavin’s squawks as he tried to peel Michael’s hand from his head.

“It’s pretty cold out. I’m going to go check on him, just in case.” Ryan chuckled at Michael and Gavin’s antics, but let it go, more worried about Geoff at this moment. He had never told them he was going outside, and he would normally just drop some little hint of where he was going to be.

He walked out onto the back porch, glancing one way and then the next. When he caught no sight of Geoff, something in his chest tightened up. He walked over to the swing, laying his hand on the wood to feel if it felt warm at all. When his hand touched the freezing surface, the feeling grew worse. Geoff wasn’t in any condition to go out on a god damn hike. His leg was still healing up, and with all of the memories coming and going, his head probably wasn’t always on his shoulders.

“Geoff! Geoff!?” He stepped off the porch, ignoring the cold ground on his feet. His eye twitched a little as he realized that Geoff’s shoes had been lying on the rug by the front entrance. He had seen them when he came down the stairs that morning.

“God dammit! Geoff!” He cupped his hands around his mouth, yelling louder as more fear settled around him. There was no reply, other than the back door opening and Jack stepping out himself.

“Ryan? What’s wrong?” Jack asked, his voice full of concern. Ryan’s breaths were catching in his throat, and he turned to look at Jack with pathetically worried eyes. Jack understood with just that look, and went back inside to get his and Ryan’s shoes.

Ryan ran his hand through his hair and played out all the possibilities in his head. There was only one path wide enough to walk on, and from what he could tell, there were no new openings in the thicket beyond the house. He walked a little further as he waited for Jack, glancing down the path. It was still darker outside, so he pulled his phone out and used it as a flashlight.

Jack had just come outside when he heard Ryan scream. He dropped the shoes that were in his hand, watching as Ryan ran down the path and came to a stop by a figure that he could now clearly see. He couldn’t get his body to move, and he could only watch as Ryan picked Geoff up and felt for a pulse. Jack’s hands were shaking, for reasons he just couldn’t put together.

_Geoff had never remembered him._

“Geoff.”

Somewhere, someone was calling his name. He couldn’t tell who it was, but it came over and over to him. Just his name, repeated by a voice that came clear to him; it was the first time he’d gotten a clear voice through the misty fog that surrounded him. It kept coming.

“Geoff. Geoff.”

“There was a reaction to Doctor Haywood’s voice, sir.” Some woman was talking. Geoff didn’t like the sound of her voice. It blocked the one calling for him.

“Geoff. Geoff. Geoff,  _please wake up._ ”

“It was suspected. They all have a good day, wouldn’t you say?” A man replied to the woman. Somewhere there was a beep, annoyingly loud and persistent.  It didn’t stop.

“It’s not like he’s really here. He’ll wake up with false hopes, after Doctor Haywood

Shame what happened

It was lucky we had those record”

Static noise seemed to be playing, moments before everything suddenly stopped. He never heard the end of the conversation, and truthfully didn’t mind. The same eerie silence he had become fond of returned to him, and he relaxed. The beeping was gone, the lady was gone, and the man was gone. The only thing he missed was the voice calling his name.  It had been a nice change to the darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. ʘ‿ʘ


End file.
